It’s been about a year since I’ve last set time aside to write. During that time I told myself I was healing. In a way I was, not completely but I was on the road to it.
I started an unhealthy obsession with trying to become the best version of myself. But it wasn’t FOR ME. If that makes sense. I hired a personal trainer, started modeling again, on top of my content creating game. But I STILL wasn’t happy. In all honesty, I was actually mentally at my lowest.
It looked like I had it all together, sure. You’d see my tiktok views in the millions, walking in fashion shows, traveling across the country. But I still felt empty inside.
Finally, I moved myself and son into our own safe space. I started going to therapy consistently, setting boundaries and doing things like taking myself on dates. Going to coffee shops alone, reading a book. And in the beginning it was God awful. I’d find myself having to FaceTime someone for company because I just couldn’t do anything alone.
But the difference was, I started taking care of me- for me— not for the validation of others.
Its like in the beginning, I was doing everything to prove some sort of point that I was okay when really I wasn’t. I was allowing others to make me feel some type of way and it caused myself to feel so empty. Why was I letting others opinions affect me? Why did I care so much? That’s not healing.
I couldn’t heal until I TRULY wanted to for myself. It didn’t matter how many self help books I read, how many green smoothies I drank. I needed to seek that desire from within myself as corny as it sounds.
Continuing to set those uncomfy boundaries, taking time for myself to meditate and just do what *I* want to do. FOR ME. Unplugging and disconnecting for a bit. Releasing any negative feelings towards the people who hurt me and instead taking the lesson from it.
Healing doesn’t come over night. It has its ups and downs and is a bit of a rollercoaster if I’m being honest. Some days you feel like that bitch and other days you’re laying on your bathroom floor sobbing because you feel like you’ve failed everyone including yourself.
It’s a journey, but honestly it’s quite beautiful seeing how much I’ve grown and learned.
